>> December 21 Project. What did you start this year that you’re proud of?
I always seem to be wanting to do something. I set goals or landmarks for myself – auditions, achievements – and I go for them. The length of time I go for them is debatable as when it comes to personal projects my follow-through leaves something to be desired, but I always make a valiant effort at least at first.
My Best Project of 2009 is something that I went after and got.
I’ve been a runner since I was in single-digits and running has always been a love-hate activity for me. I love winning, I hate losing. I used to hate losing more than I liked winning. Hated losing so much that even though I served for two years as the captain of both the Track and Cross Country teams for my school and continued my career into college, I never quite learned how to take a loss for what it was – a mere hiccup, part of a bigger picture.
A lot of this stems from my complete inability to properly internalize failure, but losing is hard for me. I don’t scream or cry in public (because the last thing I want to do is draw attention to the disappointment) but I re-hash and dwell and list what I could have done differently.
This year, after being less than satisfied with my career and personal trajectory, I committed myself to competing again. This, I knew, could have backfired in a few ways:
> If I couldn’t get back to a point where I could even be competitive, I would be disappointed.
> If I entered a race and lost miserably, there was no guarantee that I would keep going.
> With nothing really on the line but my own knowledge of my achievement (no state championships, no name in the newspaper) would I be able to really push myself the way I needed to?
NOTE: I know these aren’t healthy approaches to competition. I know. But like I said, I like winning.
So I signed up for a few 5Ks and watched something weird happened.
I ran. Like, ran in a way that I hadn’t since I was 17. It made me happy even when it hurt. I felt weird if I missed a day. I inadvertently woke something up in me that I lost my sophomore year of college. And it was good.
My project had great side effects: I lost weight, felt better, focused more and collected a few 1st place in my age groups (and a few 2nd and 3rd, which became OK) along the way.
Unlike many other projects that I’ve started in the past and let go of just before I’d be tested (to avoid the possible failure), my commitment to being a “runner” again went…swimmingly.
It wasn’t a professional project or one that changed my life dramatically, but it taught me a lesson in winning and not winning. Not losing, just not winning.
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